Sunday, March 19, 2017

Digging Into (My) Past

One of the great things about my blog is that I can go back several years to see what life was like. Today, I went back to 2009 when I divorced my husband. I never made this public, but we divorced in 2009 and got married again in 2010. Foolish me thought it work work this time.

One post in particular hit me in the gut.

Raising a daughter and two stepsons, and dealing with the "bad" things in my marriage had been difficult. I found my self-esteem starting to drop and I developed a rather craven attitude (to me) of wanting to stay in the house all the time, not meet new people, not do new things. In short, I wanted to be "safe." I could control the world in my house - to an extent. (Or so I thought. I realize now that I wasn't controlling it at all - it was controlling me). I couldn't control the outside world. So I stayed in the safe zone.

Wow. That could almost describe my life in the past two years. I retreated from the world, never wanted to go out, and was in my "safe zone." Part of it was my health worsening, but part of it was also living in a marriage that I refused to believe could not be saved. I hung on and on. When we'd get into another fight, I knew it would blow over and we'd resume as normal - until the next one. On and on this went.

Reading those past posts, I feel incredibly foolish for having married him a second time. But when I made that decision in 2009, I truly thought he'd changed. He seemed like a different man and I thought it would be different. But as the months and years went by, he reverted back to the one I'd left in the first place.

Some lessons in life are learned the hard way. In this case, the really hard way.

Since the split, I've made it a point to go out and do more, to experience new things and meet new people. I did that Friday night for St. Patrick's Day. And I'll do it again this week when I go see the Tommy Dorsey Band play. Already I feel like I'm finding myself again, finding that woman who used to crave adventure and enjoyed discovering the world. Somehow, she got lost.

No more.

It's time to take care of me now. It's time to listen to that inner voice and learn to embrace the unknown. It's time to see what's out there in this big, wide world.


Friday, March 17, 2017

Keeping Busy

One of the best ways to deal with a divorce is to stay busy. And to that end, you could say I've been an over-achiever!

My father had heart surgery in Denver earlier this week. On Monday, I flew to Denver and then spent the next three days with him in the hospital. I'm happy to report he came through the surgery incredibly well and is due to go home today. A true blessing! I flew back home Wednesday night and went back to work on Thursday.

As today is St. Patrick's Day, I'm going out with friends after work today.

Next week, my mother is having surgery (I know! Both parents in two weeks!), but thankfully, it will be here in my own city, so no travel is involved! But I'll be taking her to the hospital for that, then helping her with the recovery process. Next week I also have to give a presentation about my book, and on that same night, I'm going to the Tommy Dorsey Band at a local venue.

The last week of March will also be busy as we are having our annual symposium at my day job. This is a pretty intense two days of nonstop work, and I'm usually thoroughly exhausted by the end of it.

I'm actually glad the next two weeks will keep me busy. It's another way for my mind to quietly heal and process the recent events in my life.

And the novel? Oh yes, that will keep me busy, too! In fact, I plan to tackle it hard this weekend and write as much as I can.

I'm still having tough days, but that's to be expected. On the whole I'd say I'm doing pretty darn good for what I've been through. I'm proud of myself for that.

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Oh, Sweet Words!

Good day, bad days, rotten days, and everything in between. I've experienced it all in the past week.

Which is why tonight, I needed an escape.

I opened my novel, excited for the first time in weeks, thrilled to be diving into this other world.

So that I could forget the reality of my own.

It worked. I loved reconnecting with my words, even felt a burst of joy at how much I loved this story. Yes, in many ways writing this novel has been like being in labor for two years - agonizing and painful - but in so many others, this story has pulled me in, made me look beneath the surface of humanity, forced me to examine how we can fool ourselves into believing what we want to believe, self-medicate against the pain, lose our way and struggle to find the right path.

Ironic, perhaps fitting, that so much of what I've been through in the past few months is echoed in my characters' lives. I didn't plan it that way. Yet somehow, connections I never made before are fusing now, deepening and enriching the story in ways I never imagined.

A blessing amidst the furious storm that has raged in my little corner of the world for the better part of a month.

Throughout my life, my words, my writing, have saved me in so many ways.

A blessing indeed.


Saturday, March 04, 2017

The Betrayed

My last novel's title was The Betrayed. Betrayal was the theme and I explored it in various ways. It was challenging to write, but I really enjoyed it.

But when you're betrayed in real life, it makes fiction pale by comparison.

I'm not going to get into specifics, but I found out my husband was having an affair and thus, that was the reason he wanted to get divorced.

Everything I thought I knew about him has been turned upside down. The pain is such that it feels like a knife has been plunged into my heart and it keeps twisting, deeper and deeper.

I will be okay. This I know. But my hopes for an amicable divorce, for a continued friendship with my ex, have been cruelly dashed. I have not only lost my husband, but my best friend.

I believe we go through challenges like this for a reason. I'm not sure what the reason is for this latest development, but I know, in the future, I will understand.

My friends and family, even my primary physician, have rallied to my side. I am supported. I am loved. And this makes all the difference.

I've worked through this pain by writing. I've filled my journal with pages and pages of scrawled thoughts and feelings. It has helped. And my writing will continue to help.

I may not feel it all the time, but I am growing stronger in so many ways: in my faith, in my relationship with my daughter, in my relationships with my family and friends.

I will not let this break me.



Sunday, February 26, 2017

Courage, My Friend

Hearing the news that your ex is ready to date and, indeed, is even speaking to a woman wasn't what I wanted to hear last week. Sometimes I wonder if there are more hits to come in this whole divorce process. Undoubtedly. My heart has been shredded more than once this last month and just when I think I'm beginning to glue it back together, something else comes along to tear it apart.

But my heart will mend. I believe that with every fiber of my being. I will survive this. I will not succumb to bitterness and hate, even though it would be very easy to deliver a healthy dose of revenge and spite right about now. I will refrain. I will stand tall and walk with my head held high knowing I acted with dignity.

Every day is different and some days I have more courage and fortitude than others. This is normal. And it will be for some time to come. I've made my peace with that.

My coping mechanisms have been varied and many. I peruse quotes on Pinterest, lose myself in a good movie (or five), hang out with my daughter while we both write, play with my dog, pack my soon-to-be-ex's stuff up (since he has not done so yet), clean the house, go to work, send long emails to friends, hang out with my co-workers, journal and journal some more, read a book (or books), and pray and pour my heart out to God. He listens.

But perhaps the most important coping mechanism I have is this: I allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel each day. If I'm feeling sad, I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to grieve. And if I'm feeling happy and upbeat, I allow myself that, too. I have snatches of hope now and again that there is a future awaiting me with bountiful blessings and happiness. But I also have grave misgivings about my ability to ever trust a man again. All valid, all important. I'm working through it, giving myself the time and grace necessary to process. I will not rush things.

Now is the time to rediscover me. Now is the time to nurture myself. Now is the time to reconnect with what I've put aside.

Now is the time to be me.





Thursday, February 23, 2017

The Day I Shut Down

As longtime readers of my blog know, I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis. Dealing with a chronic illness is difficult, and every day is different. Some are fantastic, some are horrible, some are right in between.

But combine a chronic illness with getting a divorce and the stress level tends to skyrocket.

Yesterday, when I woke up in a flare, my mind shut down. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't deal with getting up and going to work. I couldn't deal with looking at my novel. I couldn't deal with looking at Facebook or Twitter. I couldn't deal with life. Period.

I spent the day in bed. I caught up on PBS's Victoria. I watched Mr. Holmes and The War Bride. That evening, my daughter and I watched Denial. It wasn't until 8:30 p.m. that I actually roused myself enough to go and pick up a few items we needed at the grocery store.

I think yesterday was another way my body and my mind worked together to try and protect me from serious harm. I could have pushed through and went to work, undoubtedly to make several mistakes, perhaps burst into tears from emotional and physical pain, and in general, have a rotten, no good, very bad day.

Instead, I stayed home in my little cocoon. And while I was in that cocoon, safe and warm, my body and mind were proceeding with the healing process, one in which I did not need to participate. I did not need to move forward or backward.

I just needed to be.

Our mind is a powerful thing. Somehow, it knew what I didn't: that it was imperative to go into "shut down" mode before things got worse. Learning to trust that instinct instead of fighting it is crucial.

Today, I'm still struggling (and I will be for a long while yet), but I'm better than yesterday. The old adage, "One step forward and two steps back" sometimes seems appropriate for my life. But there will be a day when it will be "Two steps forward and one step back" which means I will actually be making progress.

And in the end, that's what matters.




Sunday, February 19, 2017

Moving Forward

The past few days have been pretty good. Yesterday I woke up before 8 a.m., a very rare occurrence for a Saturday, and managed to get a LOT of stuff done including taking the dog for a walk! And today, I'm planning to write and go out with a friend this evening for appetizers and good conversation.

It's amazing to me how my emotions tend to be all over the map. Yesterday was beautiful outside - temps in the 70s - and as I ran my errands around town, I had the windows down and the music blaring, and I felt optimistic and happy. But by that evening, after I'd enjoyed dinner with my family, I came home and felt...lost and a little empty.

Par for the course, I'm sure. There are times I desperately miss my husband and times where I'm content being by myself. My pets keep me occupied, as does taking care of the house, and I'm looking forward to really diving into my manuscript and losing myself in its world.

I have to keep moving forward. That's the key to surviving this.

I'm making progress, though. For the first week, I barely left my bedroom. I laid in bed and watched TV, staring blankly at the screen merely so I could occupy my mind and keep myself from bursting into tears. My heart was raw and painful.

Maybe I should measure my recovery in terms of tears shed a day. Ha! If that's the case, I haven't cried in four days. Perhaps a new record!

One day at a time...


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Letting Go

This is going to be a pretty personal post. So turn back now if you're not in the mood for such.

My husband and I are divorcing. I take no pleasure in writing that. But it is what it is. I'm a bundle of mixed emotions right now, all tangled and snarled, like a box of Christmas lights. Part of me feels relief. Part of me grieves. Part of me has hope for the future. The urge to cry catches me off guard and can strike at home or at work or when I'm out getting groceries by myself. Likewise, there are moments of peace and serenity where I know that no longer will I have to endure certain behaviors from him, or deal with issues that just tore me apart.

We fought the good fight. We tried. And tried some more. I didn't want it to end this way. In fact, I didn't want it to end at all. But it has. I've accepted that.

At one point during these past two weeks, we barely spoke and communicated only through text messages. When he came over to our house one day, though, that changed. And what changed it? A plea from my daughter.

She said, "Mom, please don't hate Dad."

It was like I'd been struck by lightning. I had an epiphany. We can change this, I thought. We can change how we're going to do this and how we're going to behave.

My husband and I talked. We agreed to let the relationship go, but more importantly, we agreed to do it with no bitterness or animosity. We did it as much for our daughter's sake as our own. My husband is my best friend, and part of my grief in this break-up came from my terror at losing him completely. We've been together for 18 years. How could I simply walk away and never speak to him again except for those occasions where I was forced to? I couldn't do it. I could not look at him in such a way. He is the father of my child and the man I've turned to in every aspect of life. I've seen so many (including my own parents) who, years after their divorce, still only speak a few sentences to each other and avoid each other at all costs. I don't want that to be us.

After we talked, a great sense of peace settled over me. I knew we'd made the right decision.

To stop hurting each other.

To forgive.

To not descend into bitterness.

To treat each other with respect.

And in the week since we had that discussion, that's exactly what we've done. In fact, we're getting along better now than before. Perhaps it is because we know we will no longer be hurting each other, arguing, and butting heads, but I think it's more than that. We are not losing each other. We are losing the relationship, yes, but not the bond we share.

I am hopeful we can keep it. We will inevitably move on to other relationships (which will also be hard to deal with), but our goal is to remain good friends with the ability to call each other up or meet for coffee when one of us is going through a rough patch, or even just go catch up on life.

As yesterday was Valentine's Day, I had no hopes of getting flowers or a romantic card. But my husband asked me out for dinner, and we had a very nice time. We were at ease as we talked about the past and the future. We will always love each other. Always.

What did I learn through all this? That holding on to anger and bitterness takes monumental energy. That it creates division where there doesn't need to be. That not only does it affect the two people involved, but everyone around us - especially our daughter.

We are amicably parting. I know that is rarely the case, and even rarer still that ex-spouses stay connected and friends afterwards. Sometimes, it's not possible. Sometimes, it's not even smart (especially in the case of abusive relationships).

But we will try.

And in the end, that's what matters.

I think this quote from C.S. Lewis is appropriate:
The road ahead is long and most certainly filled with curves and hills and perhaps even a mountain pass or two. But my faith, my family, and my friends will be there for me. They've been with me since this is all started, and I don't know how I would have made it without them.

Onward.

Friday, February 03, 2017

How to Rock a Friday Night

I won't go into the awful week I've had. Marriage problems haven't gotten much better, but I'm not here to talk about that.

Because tonight, I am having the best time ever. I'm writing, editing, and critiquing to my heart's content. I've got classic movies playing on the TV, my dog lying at my feet, and a cold Diet Pepsi by my side.

And the best part? I don't have to worry about a hangover in the morning.

Here's the immersing yourself in the world of your own making!

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Hanging On

The year started off well. I felt positive, ready to tackle my health challenges, ready to finish my novel, ready to start eating right and losing weight. I put several reminders into my phone: to pray, to stay focused on my eating/exercise, to offer encouragement. They've helped tremendously.

But life with a chronic illness is a constant stop and start rollercoaster. During the good days, I exercise, have little pain or fatigue, am in a terrific mood, and feel accomplished. During the bad days, I lay in bed, fight depression, keep myself occupied so I don't focus on pain/discomfort, and literally try to make it through the hours until I can go to sleep.

It's all so disappointing and frustrating.

But when you add marriage and job problems on top of all that, well, it just makes everything worse.

Marriage is hard. But adding chronic illness to the mix makes it harder. Your spouse is forced to make adjustments in his own life and can often feel helpless (as does my husband) because they cannot fix you. Plans are often canceled, romantic interludes postponed, and the spouse becomes not only a partner in life, but a partner in battling illness. So far, my husband has been doing splendid in supporting me. But that doesn't mean he is free from his own battles. And when you put all that together, well....Let's just say you're suddenly faced with what looks like an insurmountable challenge. Before you know it, the tiny space between you becomes a large distance. Minor nuisances become major fights. Communication flies out the window. And when the dust settles, you begin to wonder if it was all worth it.

We're having our own struggles right now. It adds to the stress of living with this stupid disease (rheumatoid arthritis) and I'll be honest: I feel completely worn out and unable to tackle much of anything right now. I have to fall back on my mantra: One day at a time.

I'm trying to stay positive, trying not to despair. But it's hard.

So right now I'm going to list what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for a community (online) of those battling chronic illness. It helps me to understand that I'm not alone.

I'm thankful for this cozy house I live in.

I'm thankful for my friends and family who are understanding and supportive.

I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter.

I'm thankful for the gift of writing.

I'm thankful for my fur babies - three cats and one dog.

I'm thankful for chocolate.

But most of all, I'm thankful for my Lord who carries me, loves me, and will never leave me.